SIXTH ALTERNATIVE

Following the recent desecration of graves at the Carlton Cemetery, two skeletons yesterday approached that cemetery’s administration and requested a rezoning of the allotments within the inter-denominational lawn section of the grounds.

The skeletons are a husband and wife team who have been in the same semi-detached since the early 1960’s when the lawn section was first opened.

They claimed that a rezoning was necessary as, at present, their area was recognised as neither 'sacred' nor 'historical' - unlike those areas where the desecrations occurred. The couple argued that, in the absence of appropriate zoning, there was a frequent stream of disoriented foot traffic as well as short-cut hearse and maintenance traffic within their section, all leading to disturbances which not only impinged upon their right to a peaceful existence but also led to a patchy lawn overhead and a devaluing of property prices.

The skeletons maintained that a rezoning which recognised the sacredness of the lawn section would ensure that the area received duly respectful traffic which was hushed, orderly and mindful of its tread. They also argued that rezoning the lawn section by giving it an historical overlay was furthermore necessary as this would invite the occasional celebrated vandal to smash an embedded urn or two, and also invite occult practitioners to visit the site: such events, it was argued, would provide important opportunities for sensationalist news reporting and spectacular photojournalism. These would in turn result in  improved land values and, more importantly, result in enhanced biographical profiles which at present are merely mown over monthly with a Caterpillar

After putting their case and before leaving the office, the skeletons informed cemetery administration that they would return within the month to hear of any decisions.

Cemetery administration convened a board meeting last night where it was decided to rename the lawn section as ‘The Evergreen Blades of Holy Repose’. The meeting also resolved to make an urgent submission to the Carlton Historical Society.