NINTH ALTERNATIVE
The estate of the late Nellie Melba is suing Restaurant Peregrini, and its Chef, Pietro Malo, over the creation of a new dessert, Peche Malbull. The controversy arose after the grand daughter of the renowned Nellie Melba had had the dessert recommended to her while dining at the restaurant last month. An Administrative Tribunal hearing is scheduled for November.
EIGHTH ALTERNATIVE
A potentially schismatic theological debate over the vexing issue of asylum seekers on Christmas Island had erupted during the Ecumenical Forum held in Melbourne last week
There had emerged two major and divergent positions, one propounded by the contemplative monk, the Very Reverend Anthony Abet from Canberra, the other by the secular minister, the Reverend Kenneth Roddish from Queensland.
Reverend Roddish held great sway over the plenary sessions early in the week by means of a series of profoundly critical analyses of the theology of ‘outsiderhood’ and of the Scriptures’ injunction to welcome the stranger. This injunction, he pointed out, was the central message of the original Christmas Story of the family in Bethlehem.
Today’s Christmas story, he said, no less than the original Christmas Story, is about the revelation of the Incarnation of God amongst us whereby such an exegesis led inexorably to the imperative to welcome the family from Bethlehem – to welcome the foreign asylum seeker on our shores at Christmas Island.
The Very Reverend Abet, however, held equal sway in the latter stages of the Forum and argued forcefully that Reverend Roddish’s position on the Scriptures represented a plausible and very fine humanist response to the issue but that this position was, theologically speaking, untenable.
Essentially, the Very Reverend Abet pointed out that the original Christmas Story of the family of Bethlehem is in fact not about welcoming the stranger.
Rather, a contemporay exegesis of the Christmas Story, he said, has led to a profound and fuller understanding that the Christmas Story is in fact about rejection, about there being no room at the inn and in turn about being providentially sent off into some great unknown to contend with forces of Herodic proportions.
It this understanding of the Christmas Story, said the Very Reverend Abet, which needs to inform our response to today’s seekers of asylum on Christmas Island.
The two opposing views, held each by the Very Reverend Abet and by Reverend Roddish, polarised the discourse during much of the Forum and indeed raised allusions by some participants to long-buried notions involving sectarianisms and schisms.
Yet after much anguish, the last day of the Forum nevertheless resulted in an opportunely agreed-upon exegesis.
Only a very small minority of the clergy present was resistant to what was claimed to be ‘Machiavellian pragmatism’.
The agreed and stated position of the Forum was that the Christmas Story was indeed a living source of inspiration in relation to Christmas Island asylum seekers who would, therefore, in the spirit of the Scriptures be, in the first instance, not rejected but received and welcomed at Christmas Island, and, thereupon, after processing, be sent into the great unknown of a mystically Herodic West Australian wilderness.
There had emerged two major and divergent positions, one propounded by the contemplative monk, the Very Reverend Anthony Abet from Canberra, the other by the secular minister, the Reverend Kenneth Roddish from Queensland.
Reverend Roddish held great sway over the plenary sessions early in the week by means of a series of profoundly critical analyses of the theology of ‘outsiderhood’ and of the Scriptures’ injunction to welcome the stranger. This injunction, he pointed out, was the central message of the original Christmas Story of the family in Bethlehem.
Today’s Christmas story, he said, no less than the original Christmas Story, is about the revelation of the Incarnation of God amongst us whereby such an exegesis led inexorably to the imperative to welcome the family from Bethlehem – to welcome the foreign asylum seeker on our shores at Christmas Island.
The Very Reverend Abet, however, held equal sway in the latter stages of the Forum and argued forcefully that Reverend Roddish’s position on the Scriptures represented a plausible and very fine humanist response to the issue but that this position was, theologically speaking, untenable.
Essentially, the Very Reverend Abet pointed out that the original Christmas Story of the family of Bethlehem is in fact not about welcoming the stranger.
Rather, a contemporay exegesis of the Christmas Story, he said, has led to a profound and fuller understanding that the Christmas Story is in fact about rejection, about there being no room at the inn and in turn about being providentially sent off into some great unknown to contend with forces of Herodic proportions.
It this understanding of the Christmas Story, said the Very Reverend Abet, which needs to inform our response to today’s seekers of asylum on Christmas Island.
The two opposing views, held each by the Very Reverend Abet and by Reverend Roddish, polarised the discourse during much of the Forum and indeed raised allusions by some participants to long-buried notions involving sectarianisms and schisms.
Yet after much anguish, the last day of the Forum nevertheless resulted in an opportunely agreed-upon exegesis.
Only a very small minority of the clergy present was resistant to what was claimed to be ‘Machiavellian pragmatism’.
The agreed and stated position of the Forum was that the Christmas Story was indeed a living source of inspiration in relation to Christmas Island asylum seekers who would, therefore, in the spirit of the Scriptures be, in the first instance, not rejected but received and welcomed at Christmas Island, and, thereupon, after processing, be sent into the great unknown of a mystically Herodic West Australian wilderness.
SEVENTH ALTERNATIVE
The woman killed earlier today in a spate of stabbings had decided not to die in either the first, second or third stabbing scene in the spate. Rather, it seems that she had decided to progress along the spate and to die in what is thought to be perhaps the sixth scene which occurred near a firearms store licensed to sell weapons including guns, daggers, machetes, swords, and tomahawks.
The motive for the woman's decision to die at the specific scene within the context of the spate of her being killed is unrelated to the controversial topic of firearm sales.
The motive for the woman's decision to die at the specific scene within the context of the spate of her being killed is unrelated to the controversial topic of firearm sales.
SIXTH ALTERNATIVE
Following the recent desecration of graves at the Carlton Cemetery, two skeletons yesterday approached that cemetery’s administration and requested a rezoning of the allotments within the inter-denominational lawn section of the grounds.
The skeletons are a husband and wife team who have been in the same semi-detached since the early 1960’s when the lawn section was first opened.
They claimed that a rezoning was necessary as, at present, their area was recognised as neither 'sacred' nor 'historical' - unlike those areas where the desecrations occurred. The couple argued that, in the absence of appropriate zoning, there was a frequent stream of disoriented foot traffic as well as short-cut hearse and maintenance traffic within their section, all leading to disturbances which not only impinged upon their right to a peaceful existence but also led to a patchy lawn overhead and a devaluing of property prices.
The skeletons maintained that a rezoning which recognised the sacredness of the lawn section would ensure that the area received duly respectful traffic which was hushed, orderly and mindful of its tread. They also argued that rezoning the lawn section by giving it an historical overlay was furthermore necessary as this would invite the occasional celebrated vandal to smash an embedded urn or two, and also invite occult practitioners to visit the site: such events, it was argued, would provide important opportunities for sensationalist news reporting and spectacular photojournalism. These would in turn result in improved land values and, more importantly, result in enhanced biographical profiles which at present are merely mown over monthly with a Caterpillar
After putting their case and before leaving the office, the skeletons informed cemetery administration that they would return within the month to hear of any decisions.
Cemetery administration convened a board meeting last night where it was decided to rename the lawn section as ‘The Evergreen Blades of Holy Repose’. The meeting also resolved to make an urgent submission to the Carlton Historical Society.
The skeletons are a husband and wife team who have been in the same semi-detached since the early 1960’s when the lawn section was first opened.
They claimed that a rezoning was necessary as, at present, their area was recognised as neither 'sacred' nor 'historical' - unlike those areas where the desecrations occurred. The couple argued that, in the absence of appropriate zoning, there was a frequent stream of disoriented foot traffic as well as short-cut hearse and maintenance traffic within their section, all leading to disturbances which not only impinged upon their right to a peaceful existence but also led to a patchy lawn overhead and a devaluing of property prices.
The skeletons maintained that a rezoning which recognised the sacredness of the lawn section would ensure that the area received duly respectful traffic which was hushed, orderly and mindful of its tread. They also argued that rezoning the lawn section by giving it an historical overlay was furthermore necessary as this would invite the occasional celebrated vandal to smash an embedded urn or two, and also invite occult practitioners to visit the site: such events, it was argued, would provide important opportunities for sensationalist news reporting and spectacular photojournalism. These would in turn result in improved land values and, more importantly, result in enhanced biographical profiles which at present are merely mown over monthly with a Caterpillar
After putting their case and before leaving the office, the skeletons informed cemetery administration that they would return within the month to hear of any decisions.
Cemetery administration convened a board meeting last night where it was decided to rename the lawn section as ‘The Evergreen Blades of Holy Repose’. The meeting also resolved to make an urgent submission to the Carlton Historical Society.
FIFTH ALTERNATIVE
LETTERS
Your article (‘Private eyes catch welfare freeloaders’, 6/4/10), presents a biased view of the people in the Department of Human Services and in Centrelink whom you have called ‘welfare cheats’ and ‘rorters’. In fact I am one the people helped by the Department and by Centrelink. As a 62-year old on a disability pension, I have had my welfare category reviewed and upgraded. I have been promised a greater level of care. I will no longer need to justify trying to overcome loneliness, trying to shelter a companion in the house. Rather, I have been offered shared and serviced accommodation, at least in the short term. I have an 82-year old friend who has received a similarly welcome offer. Like the newly-arrived boat people, we older Australians can only be grateful for the auspices of a caring society in our great brown land.
Beryl Dreer.
Your article (‘Private eyes catch welfare freeloaders’, 6/4/10), presents a biased view of the people in the Department of Human Services and in Centrelink whom you have called ‘welfare cheats’ and ‘rorters’. In fact I am one the people helped by the Department and by Centrelink. As a 62-year old on a disability pension, I have had my welfare category reviewed and upgraded. I have been promised a greater level of care. I will no longer need to justify trying to overcome loneliness, trying to shelter a companion in the house. Rather, I have been offered shared and serviced accommodation, at least in the short term. I have an 82-year old friend who has received a similarly welcome offer. Like the newly-arrived boat people, we older Australians can only be grateful for the auspices of a caring society in our great brown land.
Beryl Dreer.
FOURTH ALTERNATIVE
A touring music-industry celebrity, renowned also for his philanthropic work in the fight against world famine, has been ordered to appear in the Melbourne Magistrates Court charged with the offence of having unlawfully urinated in a public place.
The singer-songwriter, whose name cannot be released, was yesterday apprehended soon after having made a spectacle of himself under the canopy of the L’Oreal Fashion Week marquee in Federation Square.
Organisers and onlookers were astounded to see the celebrity, standing on a dais, urinating in an arch while performing a dance- in-the-round and creating a circular pattern of urine upon the pink carpet.
Before being led away towards a divvy van, the celebrity was heard to proclaim: ‘Always piss from inside the tent. Forget trying to piss in from the outside. Join them. Piss with the mighty and not against them, I say.’
The celebrity’s agents and his tour organisers have declined to comment.
The singer-songwriter, whose name cannot be released, was yesterday apprehended soon after having made a spectacle of himself under the canopy of the L’Oreal Fashion Week marquee in Federation Square.
Organisers and onlookers were astounded to see the celebrity, standing on a dais, urinating in an arch while performing a dance- in-the-round and creating a circular pattern of urine upon the pink carpet.
Before being led away towards a divvy van, the celebrity was heard to proclaim: ‘Always piss from inside the tent. Forget trying to piss in from the outside. Join them. Piss with the mighty and not against them, I say.’
The celebrity’s agents and his tour organisers have declined to comment.
THIRD ALTERNATIVE
Two police officers have been charged with professional misconduct in relation to a collision that destroyed two cars. The destruction of the cars occurred as a result of the officers having engaged in a high-speed pursuit of a Mazda 626.
The pursuit ended in a collision which involved not only the pursued, highly prized teal-blue Mazda 626 but also a vehicle believed to have been a latest model Holden Captiva SX AWD, metallic red, with electric sunroof and sidesteps.
The strewn bodies of a man, a woman and an infant led to a road closure lasting several hours.
Tow-truck drivers had earlier arrived at the scene to deal with the situation, but, after examining the vehicles and finding no worthwhile signs of recoverability, towed the cars to the local caryard.
The pursuit ended in a collision which involved not only the pursued, highly prized teal-blue Mazda 626 but also a vehicle believed to have been a latest model Holden Captiva SX AWD, metallic red, with electric sunroof and sidesteps.
The strewn bodies of a man, a woman and an infant led to a road closure lasting several hours.
Tow-truck drivers had earlier arrived at the scene to deal with the situation, but, after examining the vehicles and finding no worthwhile signs of recoverability, towed the cars to the local caryard.
SECOND ALTERNATIVE
A nurse is seeking counselling after having grappled in the middle of the night with an unauthorised presence in the intensive care unit of the Royal Gabriel Hospital. A spokesperson for the hospital has confirmed that the nurse, upon seeing an unauthorised person hovering over the bed of a coma patient, had asked that person to report to administration.
However, the intruder, who was probably male, refused to leave and instead transfixed the nurse with what has since been found to be a narcotic spray. Having thus been stunned, the nurse claims that the intruder then began to inform her that he was the coma patient’s guardian, and that he was waiting and watching over his charge to make sure that the patient said the right thing when he came out of the coma and that he did not confess.
The nurse further claims that the guardian, who looked terribly pale in garments whiter than snow, told her that he was not amused at being caught in the act of guarding a security guard who had been hit over the head with a kalashnikov during a robbery at a poker tournament.
According to the nurse, the guardian also said that he was very well acquainted with the man in the coma who, because he was bored with his job as a ‘heavy’ at a door, had decided on a career change: it seems that the 'heavy', while on duty during the robbery at the poker tournamment, had decided to make his career move by approaching one of the robbers and offering his services to join the heist - whereupon, the robber's use of the kalashnikov.
The hospital spokesperson could not account for the disappearance of the guardian, and would make no further comment as to the welfare of either the nurse or the patient.
However, the intruder, who was probably male, refused to leave and instead transfixed the nurse with what has since been found to be a narcotic spray. Having thus been stunned, the nurse claims that the intruder then began to inform her that he was the coma patient’s guardian, and that he was waiting and watching over his charge to make sure that the patient said the right thing when he came out of the coma and that he did not confess.
The nurse further claims that the guardian, who looked terribly pale in garments whiter than snow, told her that he was not amused at being caught in the act of guarding a security guard who had been hit over the head with a kalashnikov during a robbery at a poker tournament.
According to the nurse, the guardian also said that he was very well acquainted with the man in the coma who, because he was bored with his job as a ‘heavy’ at a door, had decided on a career change: it seems that the 'heavy', while on duty during the robbery at the poker tournamment, had decided to make his career move by approaching one of the robbers and offering his services to join the heist - whereupon, the robber's use of the kalashnikov.
The hospital spokesperson could not account for the disappearance of the guardian, and would make no further comment as to the welfare of either the nurse or the patient.
FIRST ALTERNATIVE
Sound engineers and computer language analysts have decoded the sound frequencies emitted by a whale which has been kept in captivity after a recent fatal attack. The analysis, given below, will be used as part of a decision-making process as to whether or not the whale is to be destroyed.
The show does not go on.I am put away, isolated, my prison beginning to reek of fetid fish and stagnating water. Security personnel have become mean-featured as well as cutting and cruel in their behaviours, barely deigning to throw rations at me, and meagre rations, at that, destructive of any hard-won stamina.
I suppose it is morality rather than ethics that will determine my fate, one way or another.
Yet ours was merely the enactment of an understanding, a pact in performance. Neither ethics nor morality was at play, simply an essentiality. There we were, in agreement to the act, with her maddeningly swinging ponytail inviting mesmeric distraction.
And so I dive and plunge; I weave, and she inclines in sympathy. We each hold out a promise for the other. She raises her arm high into the air for me to meet in lunging surprise, for, although we are practised, we yet surprise each other.
I reach past the arm, find the ponytail mass, grasp, draw it into my depths. Our thrashings cause lyrical waves of white noise.
It was not long after that they took her from me, and me from her, those keepers of decency, those guardians of creaturely rights whose interests are not served in our unprogrammed performances.
The show does not go on.I am put away, isolated, my prison beginning to reek of fetid fish and stagnating water. Security personnel have become mean-featured as well as cutting and cruel in their behaviours, barely deigning to throw rations at me, and meagre rations, at that, destructive of any hard-won stamina.
I suppose it is morality rather than ethics that will determine my fate, one way or another.
Yet ours was merely the enactment of an understanding, a pact in performance. Neither ethics nor morality was at play, simply an essentiality. There we were, in agreement to the act, with her maddeningly swinging ponytail inviting mesmeric distraction.
And so I dive and plunge; I weave, and she inclines in sympathy. We each hold out a promise for the other. She raises her arm high into the air for me to meet in lunging surprise, for, although we are practised, we yet surprise each other.
I reach past the arm, find the ponytail mass, grasp, draw it into my depths. Our thrashings cause lyrical waves of white noise.
It was not long after that they took her from me, and me from her, those keepers of decency, those guardians of creaturely rights whose interests are not served in our unprogrammed performances.
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